(alternate title for this post: Emotional Road Rash)
Raw. Exposed. Sore. Tender. Burning.
These words are my emotions soul this week. I am raw, exposed, and in pain. To say my emotions are raw seems like an understatement. My spirit has been scraped, the essence of who I am grated upon until the tender layers underneath are exposed to the elements.
This week, I have had to deal with a very sensitive matter with a person I encounter daily. Most of the aspects of this matter are entirely beyond my control, and yet they affect me, and my family, deeply. My heart feels as though it’s covered in road rash. You know when you have a scrape, or hang nail, or burn that you somehow manage to forget for a millisecond until a cool breeze comes along and suddenly a moment that would normally soothe or calm you, now inflicts pain and sets your wound on fire again? It stings.
I have done my best to resolve things and restore the relationship. To no avail. Sting.
I have approached the other person with humility, respect, and love and gotten cold and callous in return. Sting.
I have gone through my days functioning normally only to have something jar me back to the reality that things are broken and I am unable to do anything further to repair them. Sting.
If I were to lay out the entire situation for you here (which I won’t), you might think I’m taking things too personally, that I’m paying it too much mind, that I’m giving it more gravity than it deserves. Perhaps I am. But at the moment, I am grieved.
I am also angry. And hurt. And saddened. And confused. I also don’t fully comprehend to what extent the fault is mine – or mine by association.
All I know is that I have done all I know to do. I have said all I can say. I cannot control the actions/thoughts/words of another. But I can control mine. And I have, and I will. It pains me that there is nothing more I can do; that further conversation only serves to deepen the damage.(if you know me at all, then you understand how devastating it is to me to not be able to put a voice to all that is churning in my heart).
One bright spot, this has propelled me straight into the arms of my Savior over and over each day. As the pain singes anew throughout the day, I run to Him and find comfort in His embrace. I can only pray that He will make all things new. That He will take the manure that is this situation and bring new life and beauty from it.
I wish I had a tidy little conclusion for a post such as this…a way to tell you how it all got resolved. But I don’t. It’s not easy for me to put this stuff out there for the world to read. It’s really difficult for me to put it all out there with no real conclusion. As much as I love authenticity, I don’t always love the mess you wade through to get to authenticity. But, I decided when I started this blog that it wouldn’t be worth it to put out there the fake, put together, have-all-the-answers me, because she doesn’t really exist. If I’m going to share myself with those who wish to walk alongside me, I need to share myself truly, or not at all. So for now, I will leave you with an expression of gratitude for your patience as you walk with me through this dark valley of My Journey.
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Comments 24
You put words to some of what I have experienced to an extent. Praying with you, my friend!
Author
Thanks so much, Christy. I need it.
I’m sorry girl. In some ways (different from yours) I’m very raw too and it’s causing me to run to Jesus, which has been my prayer. Stop running and run to Him is what I’ve been doing. I’m praying for you today. Hugs.
Author
Thanks, friend. Yes, I’m strangely grateful for this b/c of how it’s propelled me to Jesus. But I’d still much rather be comfortable and do it. Ha!
Sometimes things just don’t get resolved. Or at least not the resolution we had hoped. I hope the pain passes for you quickly.
Author
Yes, I have no doubt this persons idea of resolution and mine are completely different. 🙁
Oh sweet friend, my heart hurts so much for you right now. Thanking Father that you are running to Him during this difficult valley that you are in. But my heart grieves for you that you are in such a dark valley. Praying that you will be at the top of the mountain when Father is ready for you to be. I love you so much. *HUGS*
Author
Thanks, friend!!
Oh my heart hurts for you. I know that string you are taking about. I am sorry. Thanks for being real and honest and sharing all of you with us. I’ll pray for your heart and for life and restoration from Him to come into your situation.
Author
Thanks!
I don’t t know if this will help at all, but a very good friend once gave me excellent advice during what sounds like a similar situation. The other person’s responses and emotions are THEIRS. They are not YOURS unless you accept them. Visualize the other person holding a box with all that nastiness inside and you standing strong, your hands up in a warding-off gesture, saying, “No, thank you!” My prayers are with you.
Author
Thanks! That’s a really good idea!!
I am sorry you are going through this, keep your faith and your chin up! You are a wonderful person! (HUGS)
Author
Aw, thanks!
I love the older xn song, “You Are Not Forgotten”…it got me through some of those times….GOD knows it all…just remember that….He knew what He got you into and He knows how to get you through it….and get through it you will 🙂
Love ya, Punkin!
I love this post. We went through some similar sounding relationship stuff and you describe the process and the struggle with authenticity well. I absolutely love this post. THanks for sharing with Jennifer.
Author
Aw, thanks so much! It makes it a bit easier to open and transparent when others can relate!
My heart is breaking for you. I hate not being able to come to a resolution in things, but sometimes it is better if we just leave well enough alone. I know when you are raw it doesn’t help much, but you said you have done all that you can, the rest lies with the other party. My mother-in-law always reminds me that sometimes we don’t always see the outcome, but God has a purpose in us meeting who we meet. Maybe you have done what God has called you to do in that relationship, and now your purpose is up?
Forgive them, pray for them, and keep resting in and running to Jesus.
Author
Thank you so much, Michelle! Yes, I am praying God uses this situation, and the fear that seems to be fueling the other person, to draw her close to Himself, just as He is doing with me.
Wow. Just, wow. I know I’ve felt that way; it stinks! Your perspective is amazing to me. So genuine, and real. Thank you.
You are so right that you can only control your own reactions and actions.
Good luck in dealing with this. I think the hardest part is not being able to make the other person get to the same place with you .
Stopping by from Momma Made it Look Easy
Just catching up on my blog reading from the weekend! Wow–I am going through something very similar with a friend right now! It’s too much to explain here, but a very dear friend really wounded me a few weeks ago. She dug down deep–to the very core of my rawest wound. It still hurts–and it’s still awkward. I saw her in church today for the first time since it happened. I am struggling with where to go from here. It’s just been a rough few weeks (with other stuff too–which you know about). Thanks for being so real! I know it is painful, but this is a really great post that can minister to a lot of people! I pray restoration comes in some form–for all of us!
What a perfect, visual description — do I go to the Physician immediately or do I try to fix it myself first?
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