This past year has been one of darkness in my heart. Heaviness. Weariness. Burden.
There has been emotional unrest; sorrow without explanation. Not depression in the clinical sense, but a heaviness over me like a lead cloak. Weighing me down. An invisible iron fist laid firm upon my back.
There has been physical malady. Headaches. Fatigue. Pain. Illness. Dizziness. The physical symptoms of this unseen weight are too nurmerous – and some too personal – to detail here at length.
Spiritual apathy, spiritual anger, spiritual searching…even spiritual constipation all served to heap sack up on sack of weight onto an already laden back on the brink of snapping.
Until…
There came a purging. A purging in the most literal and physical sense which seemed to cleanse the filth, muck and blockades holding captive every aspect of my being.
Now there is peace. Rest. Joy.
Though, there has always been joy. Just not the kind that registers in one’s step. Or breath. But the kind of deep, quiet joy that rests in the fact that mourning may last for a night, but joy will rise with the morning sun.
As I reflect today upon the darkest day the world has ever known – the day the Love of my heart was put to death for my heart – I am keenly aware of the very intimate Easter taking place in my own soul. The darkest hour of the night has passed and I can see the sun peeking it’s face over the horizon. The warmth of its rays just begin to caress my face.
Image by Deibel Photography
I close my eyes, and raise my arms to revel in the immense beauty of it all. I kick off my shoes, feel the dew on my toes, every part of me breathing in the freshness of a new day dawning bright and clear. Throwing off the cloak of a night lasted too long, as the realization dawns that I am alive.
I do not have to fear the darkness; the night in which reality appears much changed. Because while my heart may feel it for a time, the reality is I am never alone. Have never been alone. I have been protected on every side. This soul has been alive through it all. Because of the Hand that laid not firmly on my back, with weight and blame. But because of the Hand that sat cupped beneath me, holding me up when there was no strength left to stand of my own accord.
Today is my Third Day. The sun is rising because the Son has risen. This heart is alive, beating freely and wildly. The purpose of this life has been ever before me. The purpose has never been the question. Its the existence that has bogged me down. And now, it is not time to merely exist but to live.
To live and breathe and dance in the Light of the sunrise of my soul.
I’m linking up with The Gypsy Mama, Your Thriving Family, The Better Mom, Time Warp Wife, Growing Home, Women Living Well, Beholding Glory, Allume: Better Writer
Comments 22
Love the paragraph when you talk about feeling the dew on your toes…perfect example of feeling alive. I can think back to many times when I’ve had a “sunrise of the soul”. It’s like walking out of a fog. Good write, friend.
Author
Wow, thanks! Yes, I had many fog-related thoughts, too, but just couldn’t get them to fit. 🙂
Beautiful
Author
Thank you. 🙂
Seriously, are we living parallel lives? Thank you for this beautiful picture today!
Author
Haha!!! I know, right? Thanks!!
Amen, Jennifer. The past year has looked similar for me, and that makes Easter that much more joyful. Thanks, friend.
Author
Thank you, Sarah. It’s always emcouraging to hear from others who are walking a similar path!
Beautiful. There is always light and life even when all we see is darkness. Holding on to that truth can hold us though the many life challenges. Be blessed
Author
Thank you, Keyw. That truth has sustained me through many dark times!
I think many of us have experienced this kind of heaviness and then the “resurrection” of our souls back to life and living. Thanks for sharing it so well at such an important time in our Christian calendar.
So beautiful!
Author
Thank you, Laura! 🙂
So familiar. I pray that you continue to live in abundance!
2011 was the darkest year i have ever had, too. your words resonate my exact thoughts when i look back at that time. but i love when you say, “this soul has been alive through it all.” it is so true. i was never dead to the year, but instead alive, waiting for a chance to catch my breath. thanks for speaking clarity to my heart.
jordy | jordy liz blogs
Author
(((hugs))) I’m glad it resonated with you, and I’m glad you, too, are on your way out the other side!
Amen, Amen, Amen. Perfectly and so eloquently written!
Author
Thank you, Sarah. 🙂
How did you come out of it? I feel exactly the same way right now and it seems like it’s never going to change.
Author
Hugs. It was lots of concentrated time in the Word and in prayer. I needed to write my prayers in a journal because I couldn’t keep my mind focused enough to pray in my heart. Being utterly honest with the Lord and letting Him work. It took time. A long time. And I still fall back to it at times. But grace upon grace and showing up to His throne, whether I felt like it or not.
Thank you.
Author
Anytime